Kind Actions, Kind Reactions? What Children Really Notice About Considerate Behavior

Why being considerate matters—and why children may not respond to kindness in the same way at every age.

We often encourage children to be kind.

“Think about how they feel.”

“Take turns.”

“Be considerate.”

“Include everyone.”

These are important lessons. Being aware of other people’s needs is one of the ways children learn to build positive relationships and participate in groups.

But there is an interesting question behind all of this:

Do children actually notice when another child is being considerate?

And does it make them like that child more?

A recent study published in Developmental Psychology explored exactly this question. Researchers Christel L. T. Klootwijk, Nikki C. Lee, Nienke van Atteveldt, and Jellie Sierksma looked at how children between 4 and 11 years old responded to peers who behaved considerately or inconsiderately.

Their findings offer an important reminder: children's social understanding develops gradually, and what matters to them in a friendship can change considerably with age.

What does it mean to be considerate?

Considerate behavior involves noticing another person's needs and taking those needs into account.

For a child, this might look like:

• Giving a classmate enough space when they need it.

• Adjusting how they play so another child can participate.

• Thinking about what someone else might need before acting.

• Taking another person's preferences or feelings into account.

• Offering help when someone is struggling.

• Making room for another child's ideas during play.

These behaviors may seem small to adults, but they communicate something important:

“I notice you, and your needs matter.”

We might therefore expect children to naturally prefer peers who behave this way.

The study suggests that the answer is a little more complicated.

What did the researchers find?

Across three preregistered studies, the researchers examined the social evaluations and behaviors of 254 children.

The children ranged from approximately 4 to 11 years old.

One of the most interesting findings was that younger children did not necessarily like considerate peers more than inconsiderate peers.

For children between about 4 and 7 years old, being considerate did not automatically make another child more liked.

However, there was a developmental shift.

Around age 7, children were more likely to choose considerate peers as collaboration partners. In other words, they appeared to recognize that a considerate child could be a good person to work with, even if this did not necessarily mean they liked that child more.

By ages 9–11, the pattern became even clearer. Children in this age group were also more likely to like considerate peers more than inconsiderate peers.

This suggests that children gradually become better at using subtle social information when deciding whom they like, trust, or want to interact with.

Understanding kindness isn't the same as choosing a friend because of it

One of the most useful lessons from this research is that there is a difference between understanding that a behavior is good and using that behavior when making social decisions.

A young child may understand that sharing is nice.

They may even be able to tell you that it is important to think about other people's feelings.

But that does not necessarily mean they will choose the considerate child as their favorite playmate.

Young children's social preferences can be influenced by many other things:

“They're fun!”

“They play the game I like.”

“They have the toy I want.”

“They're my friend.”

“They make me laugh.”

As children grow, their social reasoning becomes increasingly sophisticated. They become better able to consider characteristics that are less immediately obvious—such as whether another person listens, cooperates, respects boundaries, or takes their needs into account.

That development can change what children value in their relationships.

Why might cooperation come before liking?

The finding that children around age 7 were more likely to collaborate with considerate peers is particularly interesting.

It suggests that children may begin to recognize the practical value of considerate behavior before it becomes an important part of their personal social preferences.

Think about working on a group project or building something together.

A child who listens to others, takes turns, notices when someone is being left out, and adjusts their behavior when needed may simply make the activity work better.

A child doesn't necessarily have to think:

“I really like this person because they are considerate.”

They may simply learn:

“It is easier and more enjoyable to work with them.”

Over time, these experiences may contribute to more developed ideas about friendship and social relationships.

Social development doesn't happen all at once

Parents sometimes worry when their child doesn't seem particularly considerate toward others.

A preschooler might grab a toy even after another child says they were playing with it.

A young child might interrupt, insist on getting their own way, or struggle to notice that another child is becoming frustrated.

This doesn't necessarily mean that the child is uncaring.

Developing the ability to consider another person's perspective is a gradual process.

Children are learning to move from a very immediate perspective—“I want this”—toward increasingly sophisticated thinking about what another person might want, feel, need, or expect.

The study by Klootwijk and colleagues fits into this broader picture of development. Subtle forms of prosocial behavior may not have the same social impact at age 4 as they do at age 10.

That is not a failure.

It is development.

So, should we teach children to be considerate?

Absolutely—but perhaps not because it will immediately make them more popular.

One of the risks of talking about kindness only in terms of social rewards is that children can learn an unintended message:

“I should be kind because then people will like me.”

There is another, more meaningful message we can offer:

“We pay attention to other people's needs because other people matter.”

Of course, being considerate can contribute to positive relationships. But we don't want children to see kindness as a transaction.

Instead, adults can help children gradually understand both sides:

What do you need?

What might the other person need?

Is there a way for both of you to be okay?

These questions support social problem-solving without expecting children to always put everyone else's needs before their own.

What can parents do at home?

1. Notice considerate behavior when it happens

Rather than giving constant instructions to “be nice,” try pointing out what the child actually did.

For example:

“You noticed that your brother didn't have a turn, and you gave him the next one. You were paying attention to what he needed.”

This helps children connect a concrete behavior with the underlying social skill.

2. Talk about other people's perspectives

Everyday situations provide opportunities to gently explore different perspectives.

Instead of:

“Don't make your sister sad.”

Try:

“What do you think she might be feeling right now?”

Or:

“You wanted to keep playing, and she wanted to stop. What could you both do?”

The goal isn't to force a particular answer. It is to help children practice thinking beyond their own immediate perspective.

3. Don't expect adult-level consideration from young children

A four-year-old and a ten-year-old may both understand the word kindness, but their ability to consistently act on that understanding is very different.

Development matters

Young children need repetition, modelling, reminders, and support with social situations. They are still developing the cognitive and emotional skills needed to consider another person's needs while also managing their own impulses and desires.

4. Model consideration yourself

Children learn about relationships not only from what we tell them but also from what they observe.

When adults say things like:

“I can see you're tired, so let's take a break.”

or

“You were speaking, and I interrupted you. I'm sorry. Please finish.”

we demonstrate what consideration looks like in everyday life.

These small moments can be powerful lessons.

5. Teach children that their own needs matter too

Being considerate does not mean always giving in.

Children also need to learn that they can say:

“I don't like that.”

“I need some space.”

“It's my turn.”

“Please stop.”

Healthy social development involves learning to consider other people while also recognizing and communicating one's own needs.

That balance is particularly important.

What about children who struggle socially?

If a child consistently has difficulty making friends, cooperating with peers, understanding social cues, or considering other people's perspectives, it can be tempting to simply tell them to “be nicer.”

But social difficulties are often more complicated than that.

A child may genuinely want friends but struggle to know how to enter a game.

Another child may become overwhelmed in noisy group situations.

Someone else may have difficulty recognizing subtle facial expressions, interpreting social cues, managing frustration, or shifting their behavior when a peer's needs change.

In these situations, teaching specific social skills is usually more helpful than simply demanding better behavior.

We can break social interactions down into manageable steps:

Notice → Think → Choose → Check

• Notice: What is happening?

• Think: What might the other person need?

• Choose: What could I do?

• Check: How did the other person respond?

With practice, children can gradually become more confident navigating these situations.

Kindness develops with children

The research by Klootwijk and colleagues gives us an encouraging perspective on children's social development.

Young children may recognize that considerate behavior is positive without necessarily choosing friends based on that quality. As children get older, they appear increasingly likely to recognize considerate peers as good collaboration partners—and eventually as people they prefer socially as well.

In other words, children's appreciation of kindness develops alongside their broader social understanding.

So when your preschooler forgets to consider someone else's feelings, it may be less useful to ask:

“Why aren't you being kind?”

and more helpful to think:

“This is a skill they are still learning.”

We can teach it.

We can model it.

We can practice it.

And, most importantly, we can give children the time and developmental space they need to grow into it.

At Baumgarten Child Psychology and More, we believe that understanding children's behavior starts with understanding their development.

Social skills, emotional regulation, perspective-taking, and relationships don't develop overnight. Children need supportive adults who can help them make sense of social experiences and gradually build the skills they need to navigate them.

Sometimes a child needs a little more support, a different approach, or simply an adult who can look beyond the behavior and ask:

“What skill is this child still learning?”

That question can change the way we respond—and can open the door to meaningful growth.

Reference

Klootwijk, C. L. T., Lee, N. C., van Atteveldt, N., & Sierksma, J. (2026). Kind actions, kind reactions? The impact of considerate behavior on children’s social preferences. Developmental Psychology, 62(11), 2088–2101. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001977