Why forcing kids to say ‘I’m sorry’ backfires and what to do instead
- stephaniekustner
- Apr 11
- 3 min read
Gratitude is something we all want our kids to have. We dream of raising thankful children who recognize kindness, appreciate what they have, and show empathy. But if you've ever found yourself saying, "Say thank you!" through gritted teeth while your child looks the other way, you're not alone. As well-meaning as those prompts might be, they can actually have the opposite effect.
The truth is: gratitude can’t be forced. And when we try, it often backfires.
The Natural Development of Gratitude
Gratitude is more than just good manners—it’s an emotion, a mindset, and a skill that develops over time. Young children are naturally self-focused (it’s part of their brain development), so expecting them to feel and express deep appreciation at an early age may be unrealistic.
Research shows that genuine gratitude begins to emerge around age 5 to 7, and continues developing throughout childhood and adolescence. It's linked closely with empathy, perspective-taking, and emotional awareness—abilities that grow slowly and with support, not pressure.
Why Forcing Gratitude Doesn’t Work
When we pressure kids to say "thank you" before they feel it, we risk:
Teaching them to perform instead of feel: They learn that gratitude is something they have to say to please adults, rather than something they experience internally.
Creating resentment or shame: Being scolded for not showing gratitude can make children feel bad about their emotions, instead of helping them understand them.
Missing teachable moments: We gloss over the chance to help them reflect and connect emotionally, focusing instead on surface-level politeness.
What to Do Instead
So how can we foster real, lasting gratitude in our children? Here are some strategies that work with how gratitude naturally develops:
1. Model Gratitude Daily
Kids learn most by watching us. Say thank you often—to your child, your partner, the cashier. Talk openly about what you're grateful for. Let them see gratitude as a part of everyday life, not just a special occasion ritual.
2. Talk About Feelings and Kindness
After someone does something nice, ask your child, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think they were trying to do for you?” Helping them connect the dots between actions and feelings builds emotional awareness and appreciation.
3. Give It Time
Don’t rush the “thank you.” If your child doesn’t say it right away, you can gently revisit it later: “Remember when Grandma brought you that toy? That was really thoughtful of her. How do you feel about that?” This opens the door to a more authentic expression.
4. Create Gratitude Habits
Make space for gratitude in your routine. It could be a bedtime tradition of naming something good from the day, or a gratitude jar where you drop in small notes. These habits nurture reflection and make thankfulness second nature.
5. Encourage Giving
Let children experience the joy of giving, too—whether it’s drawing a picture for a friend, helping with a chore, or donating a toy. Generosity builds empathy, and empathy fuels gratitude.
The Bottom Line
Gratitude isn't something we can drill into kids—it’s something we grow with them. By shifting from enforcing gratitude to encouraging it, we help children internalize thankfulness in a way that sticks with them for life.
So next time your child forgets to say thank you, take a breath. Know that with time, support, and a little patience, their gratitude will bloom—naturally.
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