Your Child May Not Be “Choosing” to Behave That Way: What Neuroscience Can Teach Us About Behaviour

We often talk about behaviour as though there is a little decision-maker inside the brain.

“He knows he shouldn’t do that.”“She knows the rule.”“He could make a better choice if he tried.”

“She is choosing not to listen.”

But what if behaviour is not quite that simple?

New research from neuroscientist Thomas W. James at Indiana University is challenging the traditional idea that the brain contains a central system that first thinks about a situation, makes a decision, and then tells the body what to do. Instead, behaviour may emerge from the continuous interaction between our brain, body and environment.

This may sound like a subtle distinction in neuroscience, but it has some surprisingly practical implications for how we understand children.

The brain is not a little control room

We often imagine behaviour as a sequence:

Something happens → we think about it → we decide → we act.

For example:

A teacher gives a child a difficult instruction.The child thinks, “I don't want to do this.”They decide to refuse.They push the worksheet away.

This explanation makes intuitive sense. But the brain does not necessarily work like a CEO sitting in a control room, receiving information, making a decision and sending instructions to the rest of the body.

Instead, sensory information, emotions, bodily sensations, previous experiences, attention, movement and the environment are continuously interacting.

Sometimes, behaviour can therefore happen before a child has consciously formulated a decision about what they are doing.

This does not mean that children have no agency or responsibility. Rather, it reminds us that behaviour is often more complicated than “they knew better, but chose not to.”

Think about the child, not just the behaviour

This becomes particularly important when we are trying to understand challenging behaviour.

Imagine a child who has managed an entire school day beautifully. They followed instructions, spoke English all day, navigated friendships, completed assignments, moved between classrooms and dealt with dozens of small changes.

Then they come home and explode because dinner is not what they expected.

From the outside, it can look disproportionate.

“Why can they cope perfectly well at school but not at home?”

One possibility is that the child's behaviour is not simply the result of a conscious decision to misbehave. Their behaviour is emerging from the interaction between their internal state and their environment.

By the time they arrive home, they may be tired, hungry, overstimulated or emotionally depleted. Their capacity to process another demand is different from what it was at 8:00 that morning.

The environment matters.

And so does the body.

This is especially relevant for international children

For children growing up internationally, the environment can be unusually complex.

An international move may mean navigating:

• a new country and unfamiliar cultural expectations

• a different school system

• multiple languages

• changing friendship groups

• frequent transitions

• parents who may themselves be adapting to a new environment

• questions about “Where is home?”

• different expectations between home and school

Even when a child appears to be thriving, their brain and body are processing an enormous amount of information.

A child who speaks English fluently at school may still be using considerable cognitive energy to communicate, learn and socialise in a language that is not their first language.

A teenager who appears confident and independent may still be constantly monitoring social expectations, academic demands and cultural differences.

And a child who seems completely settled may still be carrying the cumulative effects of transition.

Behaviour is information

This perspective encourages us to ask a slightly different question.

Instead of:

“Why is my child choosing to do this?”

we can ask:

“What is happening between my child, their body and their environment that might be producing this behaviour?”

That small change can make a big difference.

A meltdown might tell us that demands have exceeded available capacity.

Avoidance might tell us that something feels overwhelming.

Irritability might signal exhaustion.

Procrastination might reflect difficulty initiating or organising rather than laziness.

A child refusing to participate might be communicating “this is too much” rather than “I don't care.”

Of course, behaviour can also involve deliberate choices. Children learn, develop self-control and increasingly become capable of reflecting on their actions. But understanding the mechanisms behind behaviour helps us distinguish between what a child is capable of in principle and what they are capable of in that particular moment.

The environment can change the behaviour

One of the most useful implications of this way of thinking is that we do not always need to change the child first.

Sometimes we can change the environment.

A child struggling with homework might benefit from:

• fewer instructions at once

• a predictable routine

• movement breaks

• reduced sensory distractions

• starting with a manageable task

• additional processing time

• a snack or rest before beginning

• clearer expectations

• breaking a large task into smaller steps

The goal is not to make life unrealistically easy.

It is to create conditions in which the child's existing skills can actually be accessed.

This is particularly important for neurodivergent children, but the principle applies to all children. Capacity is not fixed. It changes depending on sleep, stress, sensory input, relationships, demands, familiarity and context.

From “Why won't they?” to “What would help them?”

Perhaps the most valuable takeaway is a shift in language.

Instead of asking:

“Why won't my child behave?”

we can begin asking:

“What is making this behaviour more likely right now?”

Instead of:

“Why can't they just make the right choice?”

we might ask:

“What skills, support or environmental changes would make the desired behaviour easier?”

And instead of seeing behaviour as something that exists entirely inside the child, we can look at the interaction between the child and the world around them.

This does not mean removing boundaries or expectations. Children still need limits, structure and opportunities to develop independence.

But understanding comes before effective intervention.

A final thought for international parents

When you are raising a child away from your own cultural and familiar environment, it can be tempting to focus on whether your child is “coping.”

Are their grades okay?

Do they have friends?

Are they behaving at school?

Do they speak the language?

Do they seem happy?

But children can be functioning well on the outside while using enormous amounts of internal energy to keep everything together.

Sometimes the behaviour we see at home is not evidence that something has suddenly gone wrong.

It may simply be where the accumulated demands of the day finally become visible.

The more we understand behaviour as something that emerges from the child + brain + body + relationships + environment, the more opportunities we have to respond with curiosity rather than judgement.

And sometimes, changing the question is the first step towards changing the behaviour.

Based on recent research by Thomas W. James, Indiana University, published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience in 2026. The research challenges traditional linear models of decision-making and explores how behaviour may emerge through ongoing interactions between sensory, sensorimotor and motor processes.