Beyond Winning: Using Sports to Build Mental Resilience in Boys

stephaniekustner
Nov 10
4 min read

For many boys, sports are a natural part of growing up. From football fields in Amsterdam to swimming pools in Eindhoven, athletics offer a sense of belonging and joy. For international families living in the Netherlands, sports can also be an important way to build community and ease transitions.

But while the benefits of sports are real—teamwork, physical health, discipline—there is a side we cannot ignore: when performance becomes the measure of self-worth, boys can develop anxiety, aggressive behaviour, or fear of failure. Research shows that while healthy competition supports confidence and coping skills, unhealthy competitiveness can increase stress, reduce empathy, and harm emotional wellbeing.

Sports don’t just shape muscles—they help shape identity. So how do we use them to support resilience, not pressure?

Why Sports Matter for Boys’ Mental Health

Sports can be a powerful platform for developing key psychological skills:

✅ Teamwork & empathy – learning to cooperate, encourage others, and see beyond oneself

✅ Coping with setbacks – handling losses, mistakes, and frustrations in healthy ways

✅ Self-discipline & focus – building routines, setting goals, managing emotions

✅ Confidence & belonging – feeling capable and accepted by a group

These skills support emotional regulation, lifelong wellbeing, and social development—especially for boys, who are often socialised to “be tough” and hide vulnerability.

But when winning becomes the only goal, the emotional benefits disappear.

The Risk: When Masculinity Meets Competition

In many cultures—including Dutch and international communities—boys may feel pressure to be strong, successful, and in control. In sports, this can sound like:

“Don’t cry—be tough.”
“Winning is everything.”
“You have to be the best.”

Research links performance-based identity with higher rates of anxiety, fear of failure, depression, and aggression in boys. When their value feels tied to performance, boys may avoid challenges, lash out, or become overly self-critical.

Sports should build resilience—not perfectionism.

From Winning to Growing: Practical Tips for Parents

1. Praise Effort, Not Outcome

Help your child focus on improvement instead of results.

Instead of:

“You scored two goals—amazing!”

Try:

“I noticed how hard you kept trying and supported your team. That’s real strength.”

This supports a growth mindset, reducing fear of failure and boosting motivation.

2. Normalise Emotions

Boys benefit from permission to feel—all feelings are part of healthy development.

You can say:

“It’s okay to feel upset after losing. Let’s talk about it.”“Courage means trying again, not pretending you don’t care.”

3. Model Healthy Competition

Celebrate skill and kindness. Ask:

“Who worked well as a team today?”
“Did you support anyone on the field?”
“What did you learn about yourself?”

Winning is a moment—character is a lifetime skill.

4. Look for Coaches Who Build Whole Humans

A supportive coach teaches:

Respect for teammates and opponents
Emotional regulation
Persistence through setbacks
Confidence beyond performance

If the environment is overly aggressive or shaming, it may not be the right fit.

5. Keep Balance

Kids need free play, rest, and non-sports interests. Boys thrive when they know their worth isn’t determined by trophies—but by who they are.

What This Means for International Families in the Netherlands

Moving to a new country can be exciting—and overwhelming. Sports can anchor boys socially and emotionally. Look for clubs and coaches that value inclusion and enjoyment. Dutch sports culture often emphasises teamwork and participation, but expectations vary between clubs and age groups. If you ever feel your child is stressed, anxious, or withdrawing from activities they once loved, early support can make a big difference.

In the End, the Goal Is Resilience

Sports teach life lessons far beyond the pitch:

Mistakes are part of growth
Emotions are valid
Winning is temporary, but character is lasting
Strength includes kindness and empathy

At Baumgarten Child Psychology and More, we believe that sports are most powerful when they help boys feel capable, connected, and confident—not pressured or afraid to fail.

Let’s raise boys who don’t just win—they thrive, they try, and they grow.

If you’d like support navigating sports stress, masculinity expectations, or emotional development for boys, we are here for you.Our practice offers guidance tailored to international families in the Netherlands.