Turning tantrums into teachable moments

At Baumgarten Child Psychology and More, we understand how overwhelming a child’s tantrum can feel—both emotionally and physically. But what if there’s more to tantrums than meets the eye? According to research from the Greater Good Science Center, these emotional explosions are not manipulative outbursts, but rather powerful, early attempts at communication.

1. Stay Regulated: Your Calm is Their AnchorChildren co‑regulate with their caregivers. When we stay calm, we help them find their own calm. Before reacting, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “My child is overwhelmed—not trying to make my day harder.”

2. Watch the Phases: Rage Before ReleaseTantrums often have two phases—first, intense rage, then sadness or distress. Wait until the emotional storm has passed before offering comfort or teaching moments.

3. Don’t Punish or Give In—Validate InsteadAvoid dismissing emotions or giving in to demands. Instead, say something like:“I can see how disappointed you felt when it was time to leave. That’s tough.”Validation helps your child feel seen without reinforcing the behavior.

4. Use the Validation LadderTry this six-step approach after the tantrum:

• Be present – Get to eye level, give them your full attention

• Reflect – “You seemed upset when we stopped playing—was that it?”

• Contextualize – “Transitions are hard for everyone.”

• Propose – “Maybe you were afraid the fun was over for good?”

• Empathize – “That must have felt really disappointing.”

• Act – “Next time, I’ll give you a five-minute warning.”

5. Build a Support System Over TimeLearn what soothes your child best. During a calm moment, ask:“When you’re upset, would you like me to stay close or give you space?”This builds emotional awareness and trust.

6. Lead with Curiosity, Not FrustrationInstead of thinking “How do I stop this tantrum?” try “What are they trying to tell me?” Tantrums are communication—not defiance.

Why This Matters

• Tantrums are emotional communication – not manipulation.

• Your calm is powerful – it helps your child regulate.

• Validation builds emotional intelligence – and stronger parent-child bonds.

Quick Tips for Responding to Tantrums

Strategy

Quick Tip

Stay Calm

Breathe and ground yourself before reacting

Notice the Shift

Comfort your child once the rage turns to sadness

Validate Feelings

“That was really frustrating, wasn’t it?”

Use the Ladder

Reflect, empathize, and guide

Ask What Helps

“Would you like a hug or some space?”

Be Curious

“Can you tell me what that felt like?”

At Baumgarten Child Psychology and More, we believe tantrums are opportunities—not obstacles. Responding with empathy and curiosity helps your child feel secure, seen, and supported—and lays the foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

Want more support? Reach out to us anytime—we’re here to help you navigate every step of your parenting journey.