“You didn’t take my side!”: When children expect friends to take their side

“You didn’t take my side!”

If you have a school-aged child, you may have heard some version of this before. A friend disagreed with them. Someone else was being teased, and their friend did not defend them. Two children had an argument, and one expected their friend to immediately agree with them.

To adults, this can sometimes seem like an overreaction. After all, being a friend does not necessarily mean agreeing with everything someone says or does.

But for children, friendship is something they are still learning about. And a recent study suggests that one particularly important part of this learning is the idea of loyalty.

What does it mean to be a loyal friend?

A 2026 study by Mackiel, Zheng, Barakzai, and Shaw looked at how children between the ages of 4 and 11 think about loyalty in friendships.

Across three studies involving 429 children, the researchers explored what children expect when a friend is involved in a difficult social situation.

One scenario involved a child who remained neutral when something happened between their friend and an acquaintance. The child did not take either person's side.

The researchers then asked children who they thought would be more upset by this neutrality: the person's friend or the acquaintance?

The answer changed with age.

As children got older, they increasingly expected the friend to be more upset.

In other words, older children were increasingly likely to think something along the lines of:

“If you're really my friend, you should care more when you don't take my side.”

This suggests that children gradually develop an understanding that friendships come with certain expectations and obligations—and that loyalty is one of them.

Friendship becomes more complicated as children grow

Young children often have a relatively straightforward understanding of friendship.

A friend might be someone who:

• plays with you;

• is nice to you;

• shares with you;

• sits next to you;

• likes the same things you do.

As children get older, friendship becomes more complicated.

They begin to think not only about what friends do together, but also about what friends owe each other.

A friend may be expected to:

• stand up for you;

• keep your secrets;

• support you when something goes wrong;

• defend you when someone else is being unfair;

• understand your perspective;

• show that they are “on your side.”

This developing understanding can be an important part of social and emotional development.

But it can also create some very difficult situations.

“But you're my friend!”

Imagine this situation:

Two children are arguing about whose turn it is. One child believes the other has been unfair.

Their friend watches but does not get involved.

Later, the child says:

“Why didn't you say something? You're supposed to be my friend!”

From the child's perspective, the problem may not simply be that their friend disagreed with them.

The problem may be:

“I thought friendship meant you would support me.”

This distinction matters.

The child may not yet have a sophisticated understanding of the difference between supporting a friend and agreeing with a friend.

And those are not the same thing.

Being a good friend doesn't mean always taking someone's side

One of the most useful messages we can teach children is:

You can support someone without agreeing with everything they do.

A friend might say:

“I understand why you're upset.”

without saying:

“You're definitely right.”

A friend might say:

“I think you should tell the teacher.”

rather than joining in with an argument.

Or they might simply stay with their friend while also recognizing that the other child has a point.

This is a much more mature form of friendship.

It involves being able to hold two ideas at the same time:

“I care about my friend.”

and

“My friend can sometimes be wrong.”

That is a difficult skill—even for adults.

The interesting part: children don't expect unlimited loyalty

There is another particularly interesting finding from the study.

The researchers also looked at what happened when the friend themselves had made a mistake.

In this situation, children did not show the same expectation that the other person should be more upset with their friend than with an acquaintance.

This suggests that children's developing understanding of loyalty is not simply:

“Friends should always take your side.”

Instead, children increasingly appear to be developing a more nuanced understanding of when loyalty is expected.

That distinction is important.

Children may be learning that friendship creates obligations—but that those obligations depend on the situation.

When “taking my side” becomes a problem

Wanting friends to support us is not inherently problematic. In fact, feeling supported by friends is an important part of healthy relationships.

The difficulty arises when children interpret any disagreement as betrayal.

For some children, this can lead to thoughts such as:

• “If you're my friend, you have to agree with me.”

• “If you talk to them, you're not my friend.”

• “You can't be friends with both of us.”

• “If you don't defend me, you're against me.”

• “You chose them instead of me.”

This can turn ordinary disagreements into friendship crises.

It can also create pressure within peer groups. A child may feel that they have to choose between friends, defend someone even when they believe their friend is wrong, or reject another child in order to demonstrate loyalty.

This is particularly relevant as children move into later primary school and adolescence, when friendships and peer relationships become increasingly important.

What can parents say?

When your child comes home upset because a friend “didn't take my side,” it can be tempting to immediately agree:

“That wasn't very nice of your friend.”

Sometimes that may indeed be appropriate.

But before deciding who was right or wrong, it can be useful to slow things down and explore what your child actually expected from their friend.

You might ask:

“What did you want your friend to do?”

Then:

“What would taking your side have looked like?”

And perhaps:

“Do you think being a good friend always means agreeing with you?”

These questions can help children move from an immediate feeling of betrayal toward thinking about what happened.

You can also introduce the idea that there are different ways of being supportive:

“Your friend didn't agree with you, but could they still have been trying to help you?”

Or:

“If your friend thought you had made a mistake, what could they do that would still be kind?”

A useful friendship rule

One simple rule children can learn is:

Good friends don't always take your side.

Good friends help you see things clearly.

Sometimes that means defending you.

Sometimes it means listening.

Sometimes it means telling you that they think you made a mistake.

Sometimes it means helping you solve a problem rather than joining the argument.

And sometimes it means saying:

“I don't agree with you, but I'm still your friend.”

That is a much more flexible understanding of loyalty.

Friendship is about more than being “on the same team”

The study by Mackiel and colleagues provides an interesting glimpse into how children's understanding of friendship changes as they grow.

Children increasingly come to recognize that friendships involve expectations of loyalty and support. This is an important developmental step. At the same time, children need help learning that loyalty does not mean unconditional agreement.

Healthy friendships allow for disagreement.

They allow friends to have different opinions.

They allow someone to say, “I think you're wrong.”

And, importantly, they allow children to repair the relationship afterwards.

For parents, the goal isn't to convince children that loyalty doesn't matter. It does.

Rather, we can help children develop a more mature definition of loyalty:

“I can care about you, even when I don't agree with you.”

That may be one of the most important friendship skills children can learn.

Reference

Mackiel, A., Zheng, Y., Barakzai, A., & Shaw, A. (2026). “You didn’t take my side!”: When children expect others to be more upset at friends. Developmental Psychology, 62(11), 2137–2151. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0002205